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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27646792">Love &amp; Despair</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Destiel_or_GTFO/pseuds/Destiel_or_GTFO'>Destiel_or_GTFO</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angel Castiel (Supernatural), Angel Soul Bonds (Supernatural), Dean Winchester's Soul, Declarations Of Love, Demon Dean Winchester, Destiel - Freeform, Established Castiel/Dean Winchester, Grace-Soul Bonding (Supernatural), Hurt Castiel (Supernatural), Hurt Dean Winchester, Idiots in Love, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, One True Pairing, POV Dean Winchester, Protective Sam Winchester, Soul Bond, The Empty (Supernatural), True Love, True Love's Kiss</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 05:40:22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>11,183</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27646792</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Destiel_or_GTFO/pseuds/Destiel_or_GTFO</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel has just sacrificed himself to the Empty to save Dean, the love of his life. Dean is devastated and cannot escape his sorrow and despair knowing that Cass, his Cass is gone. Sam and Jack will stop at nothing to protect Dean from himself long enough to get Cass back. With some help from old friends in Hell, some lore, and help from an entity older than Death, Sam Jack and Dean work to retrieve Castiel and repair Dean's, broken heart. They may just discover the force that Chuck can't control, the one that will save the world along the way.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Castiel &amp; Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>20</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Loss</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This is my first ever fic. I was so upset by the finale today that I decided to try and write a better ending. I don't know how long it will be, but I have a good idea where it will go. Let's just say, love truly does conquer all. Feedback is appreciated in the comments.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Silence-The roaring in Dean's head is deafening and nothing; he can't think, he can't hear. Cas is gone. Dean is sitting on the cold concrete floor; the world has fallen out beneath him. Cas is gone. Somewhere, in a distant place in-side him, he knows he is sobbing, but nothing matters. His back is leaning against something, it must be the wall, but he feels dizzy, disoriented; this can't be happening. His mouth has gone dry, and he can taste bile as a thousand tiny knives stab his throat from the inside. At least, that is how it feels. He can't breathe; his whole body hurts. He can feel words chocking up into his throat, but they won't come out. I love you. It won't help to speak them now. He is gone. Vaguely, Dean is aware of someone calling for him; maybe it's Sam, he doesn't care. Nothing matters. He hasn't moved since it happened. Cas told him he loved him, that he was the most caring person in the world, and died. His true happiness had been to tell Dean the truth. Dean's stomach hurts from sobbing; it feels tight and painful and exhausted. It feels like eons ago, or was it seconds, that the empty had taken him. Robbed him from this world, and a piece of Dean went with him. "Dean…Dean.." someone is shaking him, but he doesn't respond. He can't. He sits there with his head in his hands, shaking.<br/><br/>
He hadn't said it back. Cass didn't know, didn't think… He hadn't said it back, and now Cass had died thinking the closest he could get to happiness was just telling Dean how he felt. I love you. Cas would never know how wrong he was.<br/><br/>
Dean can taste the tang of blood and tears in his mouth and opens his eyes. Sam is lifting him to his feet, supporting him. Dean's whole body is lead, and tension and pain. Somehow he finds himself in his room, but it feels cold and foreign. He doesn't know how long he just lay there, but eventually, he drifts into a fit-full sleep.</p><p>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>"Do you think dean will be ok?" Jack asked as he sat down at the table with Sam.<br/><br/>
"I don't know; I have never seen him like this" Sam looked down at his beer sadly.<br/><br/>
"Did he say what happened?"<br/><br/>
"No, he just keeps calling out for Cas."<br/><br/>
"It feels different this time. I know I brought Cass back from the empty once, but I don't think that will work again," Jack says pensively. It's late, and they are both exhausted. "Do you think Cas used his deal with the Empty to save dean?"<br/><br/>
"What deal, Jack" Sam is more alert now, leaning forward slightly.<br/><br/>
Jack looks apologetic. "I know I should have told you, but Cas made me promise not to tell. He said he could never have what he truly wanted, and that meant he would stay safe for a long time."<br/><br/>
"What was the deal, Jack?" Sam sets his beer on the table and looks at Jack.<br/><br/>
"The Empty agreed to let me go in exchange for Cas. They said they would come for Cas when he experienced a moment of true happiness". Jack looked at Sam and could see the thoughts starting to form in his head.<br/><br/>
"Cas' moment of true happiness was with Dean?" Confusing sparked on Sam's face, then realization followed by deep concern. "Oh Gods," he breathed, "Dean will never get over this."<br/><br/>
Jack swallowed hard, "this is my fault. We have to fix it".<br/><br/>
"How? Chuck is still out there, and there are no people left on earth to help us" Sam looked like he would be sick.<br/><br/>
"There is no one left on earth," jack emphasized the last word. "If the Empty is still full, perhaps Hell is too. We could ask Rowena".<br/><br/>
"We need to take Dean with us. I don't think he should be left alone right now" Sam stood up from the table. "I'll go check on him."<br/><br/>
Dean lay silently in his bed, head upon his pillow, curled in the nothingness that was his life. How could he have been so stupid? Could have saved him? Why would Cas think no he had made Cas thank that Dean word never love him back. There was a knocking at the door.<br/><br/>
"Dean, can I come in?" Sam rested his arm against the doorframe of Dean's closed door. "Dean, you haven't eaten all day, come, let's get some food."<br/><br/>
"There is no point, Sammy," Dean growled, his voice harsh from crying and disuse.<br/><br/>
"You can't avoid eating forever, Dean; I'll make you some bacon."<br/><br/>
"Don't bother, I can't eat, I can sleep, I can't think or move. Just leave me here." Dean curled up tighter, clutching at his blankets, suddenly too hot and too cold all at once. "Sam.."<br/><br/>
"Yes?" Sam has turned to leave but stopped.<br/><br/>
"Is there.. is anyone left?" Dean croaked the last part, barely able to speak.<br/><br/>
"Not on Earth, Dean…" Sam's voice was full of concern, "But Jack thinks there are souls still elsewhere." Sam paused, unsure how much he should assume, how much Dean could handle. "We will get them back, Dean… All of them." With that, Sam turned and walked back to the kitchen.<br/><br/>
Dean listened to Sam's retreating footsteps as he fell asleep.<br/><br/>
"The one thing I want…that I truly want…I know I can't have" Cas was looking at him with those precious blue eyes, tears of joy and relief and sorrow in them. What was happening? Why was he saying this?<br/><br/>
Dean looked around frantically; then it dawned on him as he stared into those blue eyes again. "Why does this feel like a goodbye?"<br/><br/>
"Because it is" Cas looked so genuine and vulnerable, but yet so powerful.<br/><br/>
Cas was leaving; he was going to leave Dean again. Why? "Don't do this, Cas." Dean pleaded, knowing he couldn't change it. He didn't want Cass to leave, but nothing could have prepared him for what he heard next.<br/><br/>
"I love you."<br/><br/>
And Dean's world was shifting, what had he meant? Did Cas not know how much Dean loved him? He didn't have time to ask, though. Cas's hand came to rest on his shoulder, the shoulder where he first touched Dean all those years ago. Then the world was spinning, and he was hitting the floor, and a hole ripped in the wall. The empty was taking Cas. Dean's heart was being ripped out of his chest; the world shifted and fell into silence.</p><p>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>Dean awoke screaming, pleading, calling for Cas. He was covered in sweat, vaguely aware of people rushing in around him.<br/><br/>
"Dean," Sam was there, panting as if he had run, concern written across his face. "Dean, it's ok, it was just a dream." Except it wasn't, not really. No amount of time in Hell could have prepared him for this. His new, entirely personal, living Hell.<br/><br/>
"He is gone," whispered, his body shaking. "He is gone, and I can't…I can't…" Dean was sniffling into a firm hug from Sam.<br/><br/>
"I know Dean; I know" Sam's voice was pained but reassuring. "Let's get you some coffee," he turned to Jack, who was standing awkwardly at the door, a pained expression on his face. "Jack, get us some coffee, please."</p><p>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>Jack was back in no time with three warm mugs of coffee. Sam didn't care for coffee much, preferring tea usually, but Dean needed coffee. Dean sat in silence for a long time; the warm liquid was grounding him, and the caffeine clearing his head. Slowly, he calmed until he was able to speak and form words. No one rushed him. Sam and jack just sat with him, waiting. </p>
<p>"Cas made a deal with the empty" Deans voice was soft. Jack shifted slightly. "It's ok; I know he made you promise not to tell me. He knew how pissed I'd be if I knew. "<br/><br/>
"He was sure you would try to fix it; he thought you would wind up hurt or worse. He told me he could never have what he truly wanted, so it would be fine. What happened?"<br/><br/>
There was a long pause when no one spoke, then clearly, with more strength than he had had in days, "He told me he loved me."<br/><br/>
Neither Sam nor Jack looked surprised. They exchanged reassured looks as if they had already known or suspected, at least, what had happened. "You don't look surprised," Dean stated, more of a question.<br/><br/>
"We have always known he was in love with you, Dean. Hell, there were times I was pretty sure you loved him back" Sam tried for a chuckle, but it fell flat. Dean had shifted and was looking intently at his mug. "oh," Sam breathed.<br/><br/>
"I didn't know he loved me; how could he love me? I'm a complete mess. Though apparently, he thinks….thought… that I'm the most loving and caring human on the planet" Dean didn't look up.<br/><br/>
"That's how love feels, Dean, being able to see the true person, for all that they are, for all of their flaws, and still think they are amazing."<br/><br/>
"I love him" Dean's voice was barely a whisper. "I love him, and I always have. I didn't say it back. He doesn't know".<br/><br/>
"We will get him back, Dean" Sam's voice was strong and reassuring. "We will figure this out, even if we have to rip through worlds to do it."<br/><br/>
Jack looked resolved. "We need to visit Rowena."</p><p>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Loss</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Warm water was falling over Dean’s head and back, wrapping him in a comfort he didn’t quite feel. It helped, though. Sam had told him he had to shower and eat, and then they could visit Rowena in Hell. So Dean was showering. Dean turned and opened his eyes, spotting Cas’ shampoo. Before he could think about what he was doing, he was lathering the smell of sandalwood and home into his hair. The familiar scent comforting him. It smelled like all those times he had stood a little closer to Cas, or Dean had sat next to him talking for hours on end. Now that he thought about it, it really had been obvious. Completely blindingly obvious how much Cas loved him, and more still, how desperately Dean loved him back. He was still showering, basking in pleasant memories, when he heard Sam Calling.<br/>
<br/>
“Dean, foods ready. You almost done in there?” The heavy wooden door muffled sam’s voice, but Dean heard well enough. Dean turned off the water and reached for his towel.<br/>
<br/>
“Yeah, Sammy, I’ll be right there,” Dean called, wrapping his towel around his waist. He was suddenly reminded of when Cas was first human. He had been so perplexed at the experience of and need for showering. Cas had talked for hours about the process, asking questions about how to select shampoos and soaps. In the end, Dean was glad he had chosen the sandalwood shampoo. It suited him.<br/>
<br/>
Dean was headed back to his room when he suddenly realized he wasn’t in his own room, but Cas’. It looked the same as always. A neatly made bed laid in the center of the room, and there was very little to distinguish it from any of the other empty rooms in the Bunker. The neatly hung suites, blue ties, and bedside table were all that was left of Cas. Until Dean managed to bring him home, of course. A small gleam of hope bloomed inside him, though he was not overly optimistic. The only beings powerful enough to take a soul from the empty are Chuck and Death, and neither would do it.<br/>
<br/>
Dean sat on the bed and looked at the bedside table. A picture of himself looked back at him. Dean was smiling; one arm draped across Cas’s shoulders. Beside it lay a mixed tape, Led Zeplin top 13. Dean had given that to Cas a while ago, but yet Cas kept it so close. Dean wondered how Cas had missed what he meant by giving it to him. He supposed he could have been more direct about it.<br/>
<br/>
Signing, Dean went to the wardrobe. It still smelled like Cas in there. On the suits and ties. Dean took one of the ties and healed it up. The image of Cas being enveloped by the empty flashed back into his mind, and his knuckles went white. He would get Cas back, and when he did, he would never let him go.<br/>
<br/>
#

Dean met Sam and Jack in the kitchen, where they ate quickly and discussed their plan to visit Rowena. Jack would stay behind to make sure the spell held. It made sense. If Chuck showed up, they would need someone strong like jack to make sure Dean and Sam got back safe. Dean was dressed in his usual flannel shirt and Jeans but had tucked Cas’ tie into his pocket. He found himself rubbing it gently between his fingers, grounding him. How long would it be until he could use that tie too… No, he couldn’t go there yet. He had to get Cas back first, and then he could fantasize about pulling him into a deep kiss and holding him steady by the tie…<br/>
<br/>
“Dean... Dean!” Sam was staring at him.<br/>
<br/>
“Yeah, ah… what.. what’s up Sammy?” Dean's focus shifted back to the room around him.<br/>
<br/>
“I asked you if you were ready to go, Dean. What were you thinking about?<br/>
<br/>
“It’s not important” Dean deflected. “Let's go see our Hell Queen.”</p><p><br/>
</p><p>#</p><p>The hall was wide and large, and there were Daemons on all sides. Sam and Dean were standing together, angle blades at their sides just in case. Rowena may be their friend, but that didn’t mean her Deamon’s wouldn’t have a little fun before handing them over.<br/>
<br/>
“Where’s Rowena” Dean called, his voice forceful and deep.<br/>
<br/>
“Wouldn’t you like to know?” a daemon asked, her voice drawling with mirth.  She quirked the head of her meat suit to one side, brunet hair set in short spikes.<br/>
<br/>
“It’s the Winchesters,” another demon hissed at her, “you know the orders.”<br/>
<br/>
The brunet daemon rolled her eyes dramatically, “I know, all the people on earth disappeared, so when the Winchesters come, bring them straight to me” she mocked Rowena’s straight posture and elegant voice.<br/>
<br/>
“And don’t harm them,” the male daemon added.<br/>
<br/>
“Not to interrupt your little squabble here, but we don’t have time for this” Dean’s temper was starting to rise. He wasn’t sure how long he could keep up his swagger when he felt none of what he was projecting. “Where’s Rowena?” The air was sticky, hot, and smelled of char and ash.<br/>
<br/>
“Follow me,” the brunette daemon sighed.<br/>
<br/>
They entered the throne room where Rowena was sitting, poised, waiting for them. Her red hair curled about her face, which was set into a stern yet alluring smirk. She turned to them, bright red dress hugging her curves and flowing out at the bottom. She always was elegant.<br/>
<br/>
“Hello, Boys,” she smiled at them. “To what do I owe the visit?”<br/>
<br/>
Dean froze; suddenly, he didn’t feel like talking. Couldn’t talk was more like it. He reached into his pocket and held Cas’ tie. “And where is your Angel?” She added, looking around. “Did you fix it as I told you too?”<br/>
It was Sam that spoke. “That’s why we’re here, Rowena. Cas’ he….The empty took him, and we want to get him back”.<br/>
<br/>
Dean was looking at the floor again. He wasn’t sure how long he could keep from falling apart. There was nothing they could do anyway; all he would hear is that it can’t be done, and he would fall apart right here in Hell. Fitting, really, considering Hell was where he had first bet Cas. At least he supposed that was when they met, he doesn’t remember Cas dragging him up from Hell, but Cas has described it to him enough times it feels like he does.<br/>
<br/>
“I’m sorry,” Rowena said softly. “I wish I could get your Angel out of there, but I can't. There are very few magics strong enough to rip a soul out of the empty without consequence, and those require ingredients that haven’t existed for millennia, I’m afraid”.<br/>
<br/>
It was happening; he realized too late that his legs were giving out and fell unceremoniously to his knees. Dean couldn’t do this, couldn’t face this, couldn’t live without his angel.<br/>
<br/>
“What’s the matter?” Rowena asked, surprised. The daemons around her began snickering at the broken man on the floor of Hell’s throne room. “Silence!” Rowena shrieked in a voice that set the daemons cowering away.<br/>
<br/>
“I can’t live without him, Rowena. There has to be something” Dean was staring at the tile floor.<br/>
<br/>
Rowena looked at Sam and paused.<br/>
<br/>
“What did I miss, Sam?” she asked pointedly.<br/>
<br/>
Sam looked at Dean and then back up at Rowena and shook his head almost imperceptibly. It would be unwise indeed to leave Dean so vulnerable in front of so many daemons. Rowena seemed to understand because she began shrieking orders again. “Out! Get out all of you”. Looking as if she would kill them on the spot for not leaving, which she probably could, all the daemons left the throne room. There was a loud boom, and the great doors closed tight.<br/>
<br/>
Sam cleared his throat and then spoke. “Dean and Cas were fighting Billy. They had injured her, but she had them cornered and was going to kill them both. Castiel had made a deal with the Empty that, in exchange for releasing Jack, she would claim Cas in a moment of true happiness. As Billy was attacking, Cas told Dean that he loved him, the Empty came and took both Cas and Billy. I found dean shaking and sobbing on the floor, and he didn’t speak for days. This is pretty much what it’s been like ever since. He is completely heartbroken.” Sam looked at Rowena, willing her to understand. So he didn’t have to say it outright.<br/>
<br/>
Rowena did seem to understand, and her face turned pensive. She turned and moved toward Dean, kneeling before him. She reached out a hand to lift his chin and looked into his eyes. They had gone flat, no spark left in them. Keeping his face steady in her hand, she watched closely as she asked, “Do you love him too?”<br/>
<br/>
A tear escaped his eyes, but he just nodded. Rowena started pacing. “How much do you love him, Dean?” Her face was intent with concentration.<br/>
<br/>
“With everything” was all Dean could manage.<br/>
<br/>
“Well, we may have an option or two.” She paused and looked at Sam and Dean. “Now, I don’t want you boys getting your hopes up, this is a long shot, a very long shot, but I suppose you don’t have any other options do you.” She paused, looking for confirmation before she continued. “One of the benefits of being Queen of Hell is that it actually has an excellent library. Not that the daemons do much reading. I doubt very much if Fergus ever read these books”. She paused again, this time clearly for dramatic effect, “come, let Auntie Rowena read you an ancient storey.”</p><p><br/>
</p><p>In the beginning, there were three truths; nothingness, Death and Love. Each truth was eternal and embodied by a cosmic entity. Nothingness became known as the Shadow or the Empty and was a vast being that was the eternal home where all fallen cosmic beings slept for eternity. Death was the end promised to all that was created and was tasked to collect the cosmic beings and deliver them to the empty. All that is must end, eventually. Love was the essence of life itself, a powerful force that provided purpose to all things. There is no true life without Love. Over the millennia, Love became known by many names, but Freyja was her favourite. Love and Death wished to create balance in the universe, and together they created light and dark creation and destruction. These became known as god and the darkness, and as Chuck and Amara.<br/>
<br/>
Soon the universe became filled with soles, and Freyja created Valhalla, a place to honour those soles who died to protect what Freyja held most dear, that which they truly loved. Freyja collected these warriors from battlefields, but the universe soon had too many soles for her to collect herself. Thus she birthed the Valkyrie. The Valkyrie were as strong as angles and also cunning reapers. They went into the world and gathered the soles of those worthy of an eternity in Valhalla. Chuck created Heaven, Hell, and Purgatory and asked Death to move the human soles from earth to their eternal home when they died. Desiring to maintain balance, Death agreed and created the Reapers to ensure no sole became lost.<br/>
<br/>
In time Freyja met a handsome human warrior. He was kind, caring, and she loved him truly. Believing such love was impossible, Chuck sought to prove this and transformed Freyja's Love into a hideous water dragon. After many days of searching, she became distraught and sat by the water for a rest. The monster approached her; it's hideous teeth, mangled face and scales emerging from the water. Freyja recognized him immediately and leapt into the water to greet him. Their love transcended all else, unconditional in its truest sense. After many happy years living together by the water, a worrier mistook the monster for a threat and slew him. Chucks revenge for having been unable to control and end her love of him.<br/>
<br/>
Distraught in her grief, Freyja carried her Love to Valhalla, where he stays to this day. And thus, Freyja created the first sole bond. The most powerful magic in the universe draws on the power of a true love's soul bond. Soles cannot be bonded through ceremony or ritual, nor by the existence of a romantic feeling or relationship. Rather, a soul bond comes into being automatically, and only for the truest and deepest of loves is it present. When one loves the other wholly, unconditionally, and irreversibly, one's soul becomes bonded to the other. The sole bond will strengthen over time and can exist without the conscious knowledge of those bound. These bonds are so rare it may be eons between the loves that are sole bound. This bond was Freyja's gift to the world, a gift to honour her husband, and a gift so strong no force of the universe could break it. A gift to protect love for eternity.<br/>
Dean just blinked up at Rowena when she finished. “What the hell does that even mean? That there is some cosmic baddie more powerful than chuck, and it just happens that her powers are based on love? How the hell does that help us?”<br/>
<br/>
Rowena smiled sadly down at him. “How much do you love him, Dean?”<br/>
<br/>
Sam just stared, dumbfounded, and then said, “Dean, Cas rescued you from Hell, rebelled against heaven rather than kill you, more than once, you went to Purgatory to find him when you had the mark of Kain you nearly killed him, but you didn’t. Chuck has never been able to control your story. It’s part of what he hates about us so much. He can’t figure out why he doesn’t have complete control over you or Cas.”<br/>
“What are you getting at, Sammy? None of that changes that he is gone” He was sitting on the floor now, still with his hand in his pocket.<br/>
“What if it is Love dean? The Love. What if you and Cas, if you have always been meant for one another if your love is more than a normal love? What if this is the Love, the soul bond gifted to the world by Freyja.” Sam was looking more and more convinced.<br/>
<br/>
“But I’m a mess, Sam, a total mess” Dean, looked like he couldn’t believe what was being said.<br/>
<br/>
“Yes, Dean, you are.” It was Rowena who spoke this time. “When Castiel first met you, you were torturing Souls in Hell. He flew in and grabbed you by your soul, rebuilt your body and raised you from perdition.” She paused for a moment to let that sink in. “He has seen you torture, and Kill, he has seen you bear the mark of Kain and murder endlessly, he saw you gallivanting with my Fergus as a daemon, and yet, he still loves you” Rowena paused, looking closely at Dean “What is in your pocket?"</p><p><br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading my second chapter! I hope you liked it. As always comments and feedback are appreciated.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Tears of Land and Water</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>“How” Dean's voice rasped as he dropped his hand and placed the tie back into his pocket. How do I get him back, how can I save him, see him?” He was distraught but kept staring at the ground in front of him. “Even if Freyja is the original being Love, and even if I have a soul bond with Cas, that doesn’t help anything. Freyja has clearly left earth a long time ago, she is probably in Valhalla, and I am not.”<br/><br/>Rowena looked at him carefully before replying. “Well, I might have known a few witches while I was alive that used to commune with Freyja. None were ever able to summon her though, the ingredients for the spell were too rare”.</p><p>“Summon her?” Sam looked shocked, “You think we could summon Freyja and have her help us retrieve Cas from the empty?”</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi folks, I have the rest of the story outlined now and hope to have the rest written by the time I go back to work on the 11th. As always, your comments and feedback are appreciated. I hope you like what I have so far. :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Dean was holding tightly to the tie in his pocket, running the smooth blue fabric between his fingers. Slowly, he withdrew it from his pocket. Somehow it seemed bluer here, not as blue as his angel’s eyes, they were more of a sapphire colour, but the tie was a rich navy. He held it out for Rowena to see, but would not let it go.<br/>
<br/>
“Oh Dean” Rowena lilted a little sadly.<br/>
<br/>
Sam just stared at Dean. Dean, the tough big brother, the monster fighter, the brother who listened to Led Zeplin and constantly condemned any so-called “chick flick moments”. His big brother was hunched and small, lost and desperate, holding on to the only piece of Cas he could. Does Dean not realize that he holds more of Cas in his heart, mind and soul than any tie ever could? Then again Dean has always been insufferably emotionally constipated. Maybe Dean needs something physical to ground him.<br/>
<br/>
“Samuel” Rowena was looking at him sternly. “Stop analyzing your brother's grief...” she paused, her red hair curling around her face and red lips pursed in a haughty, friendly way only Rowena could manage. “His sentimentality may prove useful yet.”<br/>
<br/>
“How” Dean's voice rasped as he dropped his hand and placed the tie back into his pocket. How do I get him back, how can I save him, see him?” He was distraught but kept staring at the ground in front of him. “Even if Freyja is the original being Love, and even if I have a soul bond with Cas, that doesn’t help anything. Freyja has clearly left earth a long time ago, she is probably in Valhalla, and I am not.”<br/>
<br/>
Rowena looked at him carefully before replying. “Well, I might have known a few witches while I was alive that used to commune with Freyja. None were ever able to summon her though, the ingredients for the spell were too rare”.<br/>
<br/>
“Summon her?” Sam looked shocked, “You think we could summon Freyja and have her help us retrieve Cas from the empty?”<br/>
<br/>
“Well it’s worth a try now isn’t it Samuel!” She didn’t try hiding the slight edge to her voice. “It’s not like we can leave your brother in a heap of his own feelings now, can we? Chuck isn’t gone Samuel, and with no souls to come to hell, let’s just say my Demons are feeling a bit restless. It’s no good for anybody leaving our one shot at saving the world in a puddle on my hall floor.” She was standing very straight but looked kindly towards Dean.<br/>
<br/>
“Those in my coven who used to worship the goddess Freyja used to say that to summon her from Valhalla one needed a token of a love truly bonded, the tears of one who has lost, the tears of love over land and water, and the blood of one a Valkyrie would keep” Rowena paused as if remembering some fond memory of years passed.<br/>
<br/>
“Ok, so how are we supposed to collect the tears of some cosmic goddess or whatever, when she is in another world? And how are we supposed to find the blood of one a Valkyrie would keep?” Sam looked between Rowena and Dean, looking confused in the way he did when he was thinking of a complete issue.<br/>
<br/>
“Well, your time is up now boys chat again soon!” She smirked sadly at them both. The world bent and twisted around them until they were both sitting at the table they had just left.<br/><br/>
#<br/>
<br/>
Dean felt the hardwood of the chair under his body and blinked his eyes open. The ornate brass spell bowl was still smoking in a faintly purple hue atop the wooden table in front of him. It took his eyes a moment to adjust to the extra light as he blinked them open. Was hell always so dark? Jack was sitting in front of him, his t-shirt rumpled and face set in relief and concentration.<br/>
<br/>
“How are you, Dean?” Jack’s voice was calm and kind, but tense. Jack was eying Dean closely, as though assessing if the trip to Hell had damaged him.<br/>
<br/>
“Peachy” Dean groaned slightly as he sat up and got out of his chair. One never quite got used to moving between realms like that. Everything is heavier in Hell like gravity is stronger. Getting to hell was fine, but returning always felt too light, too bright. “I need a drink” he waved towards Sam and Jack in question.<br/>
<br/>
“Dean, this is hardly the time to be drinking!” Sam seemed adamant and stern. Dean didn’t like it one bit. He was so confused, he couldn’t process all this. Soul bonds, no soul bonds, great new cosmic entities…It was all just too much.<br/>
<br/>
“Well, when the love of your life just up and dies, then you get a vote. But right now Sammy, I can’t feel what I’m feeling, so I’m getting a damn drink” He knew he shouldn’t be yelling at Sam. He just couldn’t help it. Too many feelings and so much confusion bubbled up inside him he felt like he would explode. Maybe there was a vampire nest somewhere. He downed one large gulp from the Whiskey bottle and poured himself a glass. The burn in his stomach starting to ease his senses a bit.<br/>
<br/>
As he turned around he could see Sam standing there, fists clenched, eyes livid. “You aren’t the only one who lost someone, Dean.” Sam’s voice was full of hurt and sadness. “In fact, I have lost someone more than once, so maybe I don’t get exactly what it’s like to lose an angel… but I lost Eileen twice ok, so you can take your drink and shove it if you think you are the only one who is suffering.”<br/>
<br/>
Jack was shifting from side to side. He never liked it when Sam and Dean got yelling. Normally Cas would come in and diffuse Dean before something too unforgivable was said. Jack didn’t know what to do since Cas wasn’t here, so instead Jack tried the only thing he knew how. Distraction. “So how is Rowena? I always liked her, she was very pretty and very evil, but yet so kind and smart. How is hell treating her? Does she like it there?”<br/>
<br/>
It seemed to work somewhat because Dean just let out a huff and turned to leave, grabbing the bottle of whiskey and ruffling Jack's hair as he passed. “You’re a good kid Jack, I’ll tell you all about it in the morning ok? Right now I need to drink until my brain stops processing how much I miss your dad ok?” With that Dean left taking another swig as he went.<br/>
<br/>
“It’s been a long day Jack” Sam explained looking over again. “Let’s grab some food and I’ll explain. It’s worse than we thought, but we may have a shot at getting Cas back”<br/>
<br/>
#<br/>
<br/>
The diner was warm and smelled of coffee and fried foods. Sam was holding a cup of tea while he and Jack stared at the haphazard food they had prepared. They were now seated in a corner booth, each with a new appreciation for the staff at their favourite local diner. They had arrived about an hour earlier and attempted to use the diner’s commercial kitchen and food stores. It was a lot easier when all they had to do was order and chat with the friendly wait staff. Sam made a mental note to tip much better if they ever managed to get the people back in the world. As it was, he and Jack had figured out the deep frier and flat top grill and were now looking at their fries, mozzarella sticks, and burgers. It wasn’t great, but it was better than staying in the bunker with Dean.<br/>
<br/>
Jack took a tentative bite “it’s not that bad Sam” he said. He chewed on another bite of the burger before asking “Dean doesn’t seem ok. I don’t think he meant to invalidate your relationship with Eileen, but sometimes I think he is so caught up in his own pain he can’t see past it. What happened with Rowena?”<br/>
<br/>
Sam thought for a moment before replying, trying one of the fries tentatively. “Dean knows better than to lash out like that, but your right, he isn’t ok. That isn’t an excuse, but I can’t imagine any of this is easy for him.” Sam shook his head sadly. “This is all much more complicated than him losing the love of his life, because that love….” Sam trailed off as if in memory.<br/>
<br/>
Jack swallowed another bite of the burger. “Because that love what?”<br/>
<br/>
“Because he is in love with a man.” Sam sighed, shaking his head.<br/>
<br/>
“How does that change anything?” Jack seemed perplexed. “People love who they love. Why does it matter that Cas’ vessel is male?”<br/>
<br/>
“You have to understand that, as well-intentioned, as our father was growing up, he was far from perfect. One night, he might have been 16, dad caught him and another boy in an intimate position behind the motel we were staying in. Dad was furious and called him all sorts of things no one should ever hear. You see, not everyone believes two men should be allowed to love each other. It is ridiculous that it is even an issue, but that one experience has left Dean with an internalized homophobia.” Sam looked sad at the memory.<br/>
<br/>
“But, Dean and Cas are so perfect together, how could anyone have a problem with that?” Jack seemed utterly perplexed.<br/>
<br/>
Sam ate the last of the fries, shifting slightly in his seat while he thought. “Dean doesn’t know I know what happened. It was one of the only times I saw Dean really cry growing up. So, the fact that he thinks there is something wrong with him, that he is broken, irreparable, and useless, really comes down to him hiding who he is until he couldn’t love himself, or know himself anymore.” Sam looked around at the eerily empty restaurant. “So, the fact that he is in love with Cas, that he lost him, that he thought he lost the ability to ever be himself, that he loves Cas, and hates himself for loving him, and hates himself for hating that he loves him, and may be bound to him stronger than any of us previously thought…..I think it’s just too much to sort through right now.”<br/>
<br/>
Jack looked at Sam carefully and then nodded. “That doesn’t mean it hurts you any less having lost Eileen.” Jack's face was serious as he looked at his uncle, leaving the statement to hang between them for a moment.<br/>
<br/>
“Yeah” was all Sam could manage.<br/>
<br/>
Jack smiled softly as he looked at Sam and asked again “What happened with Rowena?”.<br/>
<br/>
So Sam told him everything.<br/>
<br/>
#<br/>
<br/>
Darkness, complete and utter darkness surrounded him. He was looking around frantically but the darkness was so uniform and thick it was impossible to tell up from down. It was completely quiet. He turned around and then “Hello Clarence” a woman resembling Meg appeared on a throne in front of him. Her face was far from merciful, bent with loathing and enmity. “Bet you thought it was cute, sacrificing yourself for your little boyfriend”. She pulled the last word out, dragging it out for emphasis. “Oh right, not really your boyfriend was he? Tell me, was it worth it, pining forever and dying, all-knowing he would never love you back?” Her face contorted into a wicked smile.<br/>
<br/>
“Somehow, I think you know the answer to that one” Castiel looked at the women lounging on her throne, surrounded by nothingness. “You don’t seem to be sleeping well”<br/>
<br/>
Light flashed in her eyes, wicked and cold as she raised a hand and grasped at the space in front of her. Castiel fell to the ground screaming and writhing in pain. “You and your friends made it loud” She closed her hand again prompting fresh shrieks of agony from Castiel. His body contorting at the women’s will.<br/>
<br/>
#<br/>
<br/>
Dean awoke screaming again, disoriented and terrified. Had that been his Cas the Empty was torturing? It couldn’t be, Dean was just dreaming. In his heart, he knew it wasn’t true. They needed to get Cas back, and fast before that Cosmic Bitch hurt Cas more.<br/>
<br/>
“Damn it” Dean stood up too quickly, losing his balance and stumbling over the whiskey bottle now lying empty on the floor. The blood rushed from his head, bringing with it the memory of yelling at Sam, and… Dean was going to be sick. He stumbled into the bathroom and held himself over the throne as he emptied the contents of his stomach.<br/>
<br/>
#<br/>
<br/>
About an hour, and one sandalwood shower later, Dean was sitting at the kitchen table, a fresh cup of coffee warming his hands. He wasn’t sure how long he was sitting there, in the uncomfortable company of his own thoughts. How could he have said that to Sam? Of course, Sam has lost people too, they all had. Would Sam forgive him? How would they get Eileen back? Could they get Eileen back? One thing at a time, once they have Cas back he can help them defeat Chuck and set the world right again. One thing at a time…<br/>
<br/>
Dean’s mind began to wander as he drank his coffee in the silent kitchen. Could he really have a soul bond with Cas? How could they find the ingredients for the summoning spell? The spell ingredients kept circulating in his head. A token of a love truly bonded, the tears of one who has lost, the tears of love over land and water, and the blood of one a Valkyrie would keep.<br/>
<br/>
Dean was startled from his thoughts by Sam and Jack entering the Kitchen.<br/>
<br/>
“Penny for your thoughts Dean?” Sam asked teasingly, a small smile on his face.<br/>
<br/>
“I’m sorry about last night man, it wasn’t ok” Dean seemed uncomfortable, but spoke the apology anyway which stopped Sam in his tracks.<br/>
<br/>
Sam just stared at Dean for a moment, unable to believe the apology. Dean didn’t apologize, Dean ignored and pretended things didn’t happen. “I forgive you Dean” Sam responded after a moment. “I know you are hurting, it’s no excuse, but I do understand…Are you feeling ok?”<br/>
<br/>
Dean just shook his head, eyes beginning to water. The pain of it was rising in his throat again. He lost Cas, and may never see him again. He let Cas think Dean didn’t love him back. He knew in his heart there was nothing more true than what he felt for Cas, but there was also the shame that came with it. Dean shook his head again and a tear fell from his eye. “I’m sorry”<br/>
<br/>
Dean seemed to steel himself slightly “I’ve been thinking about the spell to summon Freyja….What the…..” Dean startled as a cotton napkin rubbed against his eye from behind. Jack had wiped something from his face.<br/>
<br/>
Jack dropped the napkin into a Ziplock baggie with a smug smile on his face. He looked sidelong as Sam responded “I’ve been thinking about the spell too. Don’t look so surprised Dean, Sam told me everything last night.” Jack held up the baggie with some pride. “I just got us the first ingredient.”<br/>
<br/>
Sam laughed and smiled at Dean, still sitting perplexed, gripping his coffee with both hands. “the tears of one who has lost. Dean, Jack is right, you lost Cas and were crying about it, so … one ingredient down. Now, that leaves A token of a love truly bonded, the tears of love over land and water, and the blood of one a Valkyrie would keep.”<br/>
<br/>
“What do you have that is a token of Cas?” Jack asked directly.<br/>
<br/>
“Hold up now, you are both getting way far ahead of me here. We don’t even know if Cas and I are Soul bound. It could just be, and probably is, a bunch of crap from Rowena.” Dean was looking up, a little defensively.<br/>
<br/>
“Come on Dean, we're about to find out, aren’t we? If the spell works, Freyja will come and we will know you are Soul bound to Cas. If it doesn’t work we can storm back into Rowena’s throne room in Hell and demand some answers.” Sam practically rolled his eyes at Dean.<br/>
<br/>
“So..” jack interrupted sternly “What can we use as a token of Cas?”.<br/>
<br/>
Dean slowly retrieved the tie from his pocket and looked at it. “This should work” he gazed at the tie, again picturing his angel wearing it, pulling in those sapphire eyes towards his own, and holding his angel close to him. “But I’m keeping it until it’s time for the spell.”<br/>
<br/>
Sam smiled “Well then, two down, two to go. Let’s hit the lore and see where we might find some tears of love over land and water, whatever that means.”</p><p><br/>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Amber & Gold</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>“Hey, handsome!” Dean called over, green eyes sparkling with mischief. “I was looking for you, thought you might like to take Baby for a spin. Sam is out clearing up a simple salt and burn, so…we have a few days to ourselves.” Dean winked at Cas.</p><p>Dean was sitting on his bed, his head hurt and he was exhausted. Being cured of one’s demon state is no joke. He rubbed his left forearm, frowning slightly, the mark of Cain was still there in scarred raised flesh. Silently, he looked through a set of photos of him and Sam together. The memories of what his demon-self had done washed over him and he wanted to focus on the memories that really mattered. Dean paused on a photo of Cas, eyes alight with a bright smile.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I have another chapter ready. It's starting to take shape now. Thank you for reading, and as always, I appreciate any comments or constructive criticism you have. </p><p>There is a flashback in this chapter adapted from 10x3.</p><p>The lyrics are a verse from Led Zeppelin's "Whole Lotta Love".</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Castiel was sitting in a blank void, angel blade in hand. Dean approached him, and Naomi barked the order to kill him. He didn’t want to. He tried to fight it, but his limbs were moving of their own accord as he plunged the angel blade through Dean’s heart. Castiel stared into Dean’s green eyes, watching the shock and hurt there as he died. Castiel held dean’s body close to him and wept while Naomi…. No... Meg… laughed. Dean’s body vanished, replaced by darkness. “That was fun, wasn’t it, Clarence.” Meg, the empty, drawled. “That’s right, not the first time you Killed old lover boy, was it? How many more ways can you do it, Clarence?” The woman disappeared, and Castiel was transported to another blank void. Heaven, he realized. Dean entered through a door on the other side of the room. </p><p>“Hey, handsome!” Dean called over, green eyes sparkling with mischief. “I was looking for you, thought you might like to take Baby for a spin. Sam is out clearing up a simple salt and burn, so…we have a few days to ourselves.” Dean winked at Cas, but then his expression changed. “What’s the matter, Cas?” Dean stopped and looked at the blue-eyed angel standing before him. </p><p>Castiel was screaming inside as the angel blade slipped down his forearm and into his hand. His limbs were outside his control, moving to strike Dean. </p><p>“Dean! I can’t stop it, Dean, run.” Cas was pleading; he couldn’t kill Dean again; it was breaking his heart. But Dean didn’t run, didn’t fight back, he just looked confused and hurt as the blade pierced his heart. Castiel wept and wept until Dean’s body vanished, and it all happened again. And again. And again.  </p><p>#</p><p>Sam set a stack of books down on the library table. They landed on its polished wood surface with a hollow thud. “This is everything I could find about love, love magic, and gods/goddesses of love. Hopefully, there is something in here that is useful.”</p><p>Dean smiled slightly. “You always were the smart one, Sammy.” He sighed, grabbing the top book and looking at the cover. “Well, these books won’t read themselves” Dean looked up, cleared his throat, sat at the table and began to read. Sam and Jack followed suit. </p><p>Hours in, Dean still hadn’t found anything useful. He was beginning to drift in and out of consciousness as he read, his mind wandering to thoughts of Cas. Cas covered in Honey, Cas in Purgatory, Cas holding him tightly as the mark of Cain took hold, Cas human and working at the Gas n’ Sip….Cas…..</p><p>#</p><p>Dean was sitting on his bed, his head hurt, and he was exhausted. Being cured of one’s demon state is no joke. He rubbed his left forearm, frowning slightly; Cain's mark was still there in scarred raised flesh. Silently, he looked through a set of photos of him and Sam together. The memories of what his demon-self had done washed over him, and he wanted to focus on the memories that mattered. Dean paused on a photo of Cas, eyes alight with a bright smile. Just then, there was a knock at the door, and Dean stashed the pictures under a book on his bedside table. “yeah,” he calls, clearing his throat. </p><p>It was Cas, the same Cas as always looking at him from the doorway. “You look terrible,” Cas says, sighing as he enters, looking Dean up and down. Dean was lounging on his bed, hoping he didn’t look as awful as he felt. “You know, it wouldn’t kill you to lie now and again,” Dean responds, avoiding eye contact with his Angel. With his demon-self gone, all his feelings of love and self-loathing were returning. He wasn’t sure when he started loving his Angel like this, but one thing was certain. Cas couldn’t possibly feel the same way, so no-one could know. </p><p>Dean looked up as Cas spoke. “No, it wouldn’t kill me…I…just…you…” Cas trailed off, looking at Dean with his clear sapphire eyes, trench coat open to reveal his white button-up shirt and black pants. </p><p>“No, Forget it..” getting up slowly from the bed and taking a few steps towards the Angel. “Well, you, on the other hand, you, you’re looking good.” Dean's eyes rove over Castile once more, and he swallows as a familiar and terrifying feeling washes over him. “So… uh…are you back?” Hope-filled dean, and a fear that Cas would leave him again. </p><p>“At least temporarily, it’s a long story…Crowley, stolen grace…there’s a female outside in the car.” Cas stumbles slightly on his words, eying dean affectionately. Dean is standing closer now and cocks his head in confusion. Why is there a woman in the car? “Another time,” Cas adds, looking into Dean’s eyes. </p><p>Dean’s heart was racing again, in the way it only ever did around Cas. “Well, thank you, … for…um…stepping in when you did,” Dean swallows, looking to Cas’s lips briefly, before looking back up to his eyes, and taking a half step closer. Cas is nodding slightly, a soft, sad smile on his lips. Dean shakes his head, breaking the tension of the moment with a joke as he turns away from Cas. “What did Sam say? Does he want a divorce?” the chuckle didn’t quite reach his eyes. </p><p>Cas replies, his voice cracking slightly, “I’m sure Sam knows, whatever you said…what you did…wasn’t you. It certainly wasn’t all you.”</p><p>Suddenly the room blurred and receded until Dean was standing in complete and utter darkness. He turned around, trying to get his bearings. What in the hell happened? Where am I? A scream echoed in the distance. The sound was unmistakable and sent a knife through Dean’s chest. Cas. He ran. He ran as fast as he could towards the sound of agony. He ran and kept running, but couldn’t get any closer. Another voice, a female one, was smirking and taunting. “No-one is coming to save you, Clarence,” the female drawled. “He never loved you; why would he bother? All you ever did was leave him. Look again at your happy memory and know that it was all a lie”. </p><p>Dean was screaming, screaming as loud as he could for Cas, telling him we were coming, that it wasn’t all a lie. His throat hurt, but Cas couldn’t hear him, couldn’t see him. Suddenly he was aware of strong hands on his shoulders, shaking him and pulling him back to reality. </p><p>#</p><p>Sam was sitting in the library, reading another book on the mythological origins of love. Another book about using witchcraft to make someone fall in love with you and how it is impossible. According to the text, temporary infatuation could be achieved with a well-placed hex bag, but nothing genuinely love. How will this ever help us? Sam sighed and closed the book, placing his head in his hands. From the looks of it, Jack and Dean weren’t doing much better. Dean had outright fallen asleep, his face planted firmly over the open book on the table before him. Dean must be dreaming because he kept muttering to himself. </p><p>“You get anything?” Sam turned to ask Jack, who was lounging on a chair, his feet up on the armrest while reading a lore book on Celestial Bonds. </p><p>Jack looked up and shook his head. “Some interesting things on how to invoke a celestial bond, not that we need that, some other stuff on the properties of celestial bonds, and soul-bonding rituals, but nothing that would help us with the spell.” Jack shrugged. “I know it wasn’t one of the books we picked out originally, but I saw it there and thought it couldn’t hurt to know more about what this…true love soul bond might entail.”</p><p>Sam looked interested and was about to speak when Dean started to mumble more clearly in his sleep. </p><p>“Well, you, on the other hand, you, you’re looking good” Dean was speaking just clear enough for Sam and Jack to make out. </p><p>Jack turned to Sam. “What do you think he is dreaming about?” </p><p>“Probably Cas. It always seems to be Cas these days, though more often than not, it’s a nightmare”. As if on cue, Dean started screaming for Cas, violently twitching as if trying to run in his sleep. </p><p>“I’m coming for you….It wasn’t a lie….I love you” Dean’s screams broke into incoherent pleas for Cas. Sam was already across the room, gripping Dean by the shoulders and shaking him. </p><p>“Dean, Dean, Dean!... Wake up! It’s just a dream. Wake up; it’s ok” Sam held Dean steady, bracing for the swings he expected when Dean finally awoke. Dean startled and looked around frantically as if unsure where he was. </p><p>“Cas, Cas…Torture…Couldn’t reach him….kept running… Dream… black everything…Couldn’t reach him,” Dean babbled, looking around frantically, gripping Sam tightly as he did so. Jack, looking concerned, got up from the chair and walked purposefully over to Dean placing a finger to Dean’s temple. There was a brief white glow, and Dean calmed, head resting on the table again, almost asleep. </p><p>“What did you do?” Sam asked, surprised, releasing Dean and pacing.</p><p>“I calmed him. He was having a panic attack and wouldn’t have calmed down otherwise, so I calmed him myself. He will wake up in a minute or so.” </p><p>“I’ll make some fresh coffee, and then we need to sort out a solution to these nightmares. He can’t continue like this.” Sam left Dean with Jack in the library and stalked out of the room. </p><p>#</p><p>The warm smell of coffee filled the room as Sam returned. Jack had moved Dean from the table to a sofa and was wrapping him in a warm blanket. Dean looked stunned but more relaxed. “I’m keeping him calm with my grace,” Jack said proudly. “I didn’t think we should risk him grabbing the whiskey.”</p><p>Sam set the coffee down on the side table and handed Dean a cup. Dean took the coffee blankly, staring straight ahead as if in shock. After a moment, Dean’s features relaxed slightly, and his eyes met Sam’s. “Thanks, Sammy” Dean managed to rasp out the words. </p><p>“Don’t mention it” Sam smiled, settling himself on a near-by chair and drinking his coffee. “Jack is the one you should be thanking, though,” he added, nodding at Jack. Sitting in a chair examining Dean closely, Jack said matter of factly, “you had a panic attack, so I calmed you down.”</p><p>“So what, I’m on some kind of cosmic benzos now? My head feels like crap.” Dean made to get up but couldn’t, so he sat back down and sipped on his coffee. </p><p>“What happened, Dean?” Jack looked with concern at Dean’s eyes. “You were dreaming, and then you were in a nightmare; that much was obvious, but what were you dreaming about?” </p><p>Dean looked at the floor and then told them everything he could remember. The memory that was like a dream, the empty, her torturing Cas, him running to reach Cas but unable to reach him. After he was finished, they all sat in silence for a moment, contemplating the situation. After a moment, Jack started flipping through the book on celestial bonds, making small contemplative sounds as he read. “Hmm yes…” Jack mumbled at last. “It says here that when two souls are bound, the bond acts as a sort of subconscious thread connecting the two people. People who are bound can sense the other’s emotions and may experience a phantom of their experience” Jack paused for a moment, looking up from the book. </p><p>“What the hell does that mean?” Dean asked, not unkindly. </p><p>“It means that when two people are bound, they can sense the other's experiences. Like a tug of a thread under their ribcage pulling them to the other, or like, feeling their pain if they are hurt, or joy if they’re happy. It’s like their subconscious minds are connected.” Jack was smiling confidently at Dean as he tapped the book lightly with his index finger. “It says here that in some cases, bound souls can share dreams.”</p><p>Sam leaned forward slightly. “So kind of like the dream walkers, who could see into other worlds through their bond with the dream walker in the other world?”</p><p>“Like when Kia could see into the bad place, yes,” Jack added. He shivered slightly at the memory. </p><p>“So what, you think…you think that I am seeing Cas’ memories and experiences through the Soulbond and that instead of this just being my absolute worst nightmare, it is real, and he….and the empty is…” Dean trailed off again, looking stricken. His face had drained of colour as he spoke. </p><p>Jack and Sam exchanged a look before Jack replied softly, “yes.”</p><p>#</p><p>Dean had been pacing in the bunker’s war room for at least an hour, unable to think straight or sit still. He needed to do something. He couldn’t leave Cas alone with the empty. He needed to get out, to be somewhere else. He went to his room, changed into a fresh set of clothes, grabbed Baby’s keys and went out. Driving Baby felt better. The rumble of her engine was soothing as he pulled onto the streets of Lebanon. Dean drove for a while in silence before pulling into the Gas n’ Sip. He filled Baby’s tank and thought with a pang about the time Cas lived there as a human. Feeling a little better, Dean popped the mixtape he made Cas into Baby’s stereo and turned up the volume. Led Zeppelin was blasting in his ears as he pulled out of the Gas n’ Sip parking lot and onto the empty streets again. </p><p>#</p><p>Cas was writhing in pain. How much more could he take? Castiel thought of Dean, spending thirty years in Hell being tortured before succumbing and torturing others. He never blamed Dean for what happened in Hell. When Cas had first arrived in Hell, Dean was covered in blood, carving up some fresh soul with Alistair. He had never told Dean that he had watched him torture in Hell before grabbing him and raising him from perdition. That whole time Cas could only think how beautiful his soul was beneath all the pain and suffering that lead to him torturing and tormenting others for a decade in Hell. Now, being tortured, Cas was impressed Dean had lasted thirty years at all. He wasn’t sure he would have the strength, and now, facing eternity here with the empty, Cas felt hopeless. </p><p>The Empty had been making Castiel replay all his worst moments. His failures and shortcomings, the times he let Dean down. All the times he left for the greater good even though it broke his heart. She would always laugh maniacally before making him relive a truly happy memory, only to interrupt it with taunts and physical pain, the likes of which Cas had never felt before. </p><p>This was no different. He was sitting in the Impala's passenger seat, Dean in the driver’s seat, and Led Zeppelin coming through the stereo. </p><p> </p><p>You've been learning.<br/>Um baby I been learning<br/>All them good times baby, baby<br/>I've been year-yearning</p><p>A-way, way down inside<br/>A-honey you need-ah<br/>I'm gonna give you my love, ah<br/>I'm gonna give you my love, ah oh</p><p>Whole lotta love<br/>Want to whole lotta love<br/>Want to whole lotta love<br/>Want to whole lotta love</p><p> </p><p>Cas was so happy to see Dean, he smiled and reached out, but couldn’t touch him, his hand passed straight through. Something was off, not quite right. Outside on the streets, there was no one, shops were empty, streets empty of people, their cars left abandoned as if everyone had just vanished. This wasn’t a memory at all; it was something different. The scene around him started to shift and darken. </p><p>He was back before the woman, lounging on her throne of darkness, relishing every moment of pain and confusion Cas experienced. She looked down at him from her throne, laughing. “Oh, Clarence, did you think your lover was truely there?”. Tears fill Castiel’s eyes as she grips the air again, and he feels his bones breaking. How much more of this could he take? Strangely he could still hear Zeppelin playing faintly in the background, and with a small tug beneath his rib cage, he wondered if Dean could hear it too.  <br/>#<br/>It was late, the remnants of supper laid out on the library table. A small fire in the hearth kept the room warm and comfortable. Sam set his book down beside him, rubbing both hands through his hair in frustration. “I don’t know, Jack, is this even possible?” Sam shook his head in disbelief.</p><p>“We can figure this out,” Jack said, setting down his book and looking over at Sam. “I know that this is all too hard for Dean to process, but I want my dad back too. I will keep reading all night if I have to.” Jack looked determined. Jack rose to fetch the last book from the table and read out the title “legends of love, this may help.”</p><p>“Yeah, I hope so. I’m worried about Dean. I mean, even if we manage to summon Freyja and, even if the Soul Bond is what’s connecting Dean to Cas right now, we're still no closer to understanding how to rescue Cas. I don’t think Dean can survive losing him again, and this hope has Dean in a dangerous position.” Sam looked worried. </p><p>“I know how Dean feels about my Dad; heck, I’ve known for some time now that he thinks of himself as my Dad too. Dean won’t admit it, but it’s true.” Jack looked at Sam before they fell into a comfortable silence. They had to keep trying. And they would.  </p><p>“Sam!” Jack called out, “Sam, I think I’ve got it!”</p><p>Sam jumped and looked over at Jack. “What did you find?”</p><p>“This book appears to be an anthology of sorts, a collection of legends about goddesses of love and fertility. The inscription says the Men of Letters think all the goddesses listed may have actually been the same. Still, their history was recorded differently in different regions and at different times. There seem to be several accounts over time, witchcraft inspired by love, and stories of the goddesses’ grief. There is one story about Freyja, describing how in a time when her husband was absent, she searched the earth weeping, and as her tears hit the land, they turned to gold, and as her tears hit the water, they turned to amber.” Jack looked ecstatic and pointed to the book. It illustrated a woman with long hair and a raven feathered cloak crying, and she walked. </p><p>“Tears of Love over land and water….gold and amber. Jack, I think you got it.” Sam began to smile but paused. “That still leaves us with the blood of one a Valkyrie would keep. Everyone else on earth is gone.”</p><p>Jack looked thoughtful for a moment. “I have been thinking about that. Based on what Rowena said, the Valkyrie collect the souls of those who die protecting what they truly love, right?” </p><p>“Yeah,” Sam looked pensive.</p><p>“Well, we know that Cas is in love with Dean and died to protect him, right? He died, protecting what he loved.” </p><p>“But, Cas is an angel.”</p><p>“Cas has been human, he can love, he can bleed, he has a soul. I think he is one a Valkyrie would keep.”</p><p>Sam frowned. “One problem, though, Jack. The whole problem is that Cas is stuck in the empty, and we can’t get to him. How are we supposed to get his blood when he isn’t here?” </p><p>Jack swore, shaking his head. “You’re right, I could try to open a rift to the empty long enough to get some blood, but we don’t know if he would bleed there, or if we could safely open the rift without angering the empty and attracting Chuck’s attention.”</p><p>Sam shook his head, dejected. “We have everything we need, everything except the blood, and there is no way to get it. We had better tell Dean. He is going to be devastated.”</p><p>#</p><p>When Dean got home from his drive, he didn’t do much, fetched a beer from the fridge, and went to sit in Cas’s room. It seemed to be a habit lately. Dean would retreat to Cas’s room, sit on his bed and think. He felt closer to Cas there. He had stored his Jacket, the one with Cas’s handprint on it, in the drawer of Cas’s bedside table. Dean took a swig of his beer and pulled out the jacket. Holding it close to his chest, he began to pray. “Cas, I don’t know if you have your ears on, or if you can even listen from in there, but if you can hear me…” He paused, clearing his throat. “I want you to know, no…need you to know…I love you too buddy, and I’m coming for you. I don’t care if I have to rip through every freaking wall in the universe to do it. I just…I need you, man. I love you, and I don’t know how much longer I can go on living without you. So…Hang in there. I’m coming for you.”</p><p>As Sam approached Dean’s room, he could see the light on in Cas,’ and someone was speaking. Dean was praying, praying to Cas. Sam’s heart broke for Dean. When Sam was sure Dean was finished, he knocked gently on the door. “Hey Dean…How are you doing?”</p><p>Dean cleared his throat, pushing his jacket behind him. “Yeah, Sam. I’m just peachy” He shifted slightly, trying to hide his tears. “How is the research going?”</p><p>Sam pulled up a chair next to the bed and sat across from Dean. “Well… Jack and I figured out what the spell ingredients are… but…We are pretty sure one of them will be impossible to obtain.” Dean put his head in his hands as Sam continued. “The tears are gold and amber, so that is easy… but the blood of one a Valkyrie would keep… Dean, there is no one left on earth, and Jack is pretty sure that of all of us, the only one who satisfies all the requirements is Cas.” Sam let that hang in the air between them before continuing. “Jack can try to get into the empty long enough to get a bit of blood from Cas, but there is no guarantee it would work, and in any event, it would use too much power. Chuck would notice…I’m sorry, Dean.”</p><p>Dean looked up, the knowledge dawning on him as a smile grew on his face. “You mean…” Dean put his hand on Sam’s shoulder while he looked at him. “You mean that the last thing we need to complete the spell is a bit of Cas’ blood? And you think that means we can’t do the spell?”</p><p>“Well yeah, Dean” Sam was confused by Dean’s evident delight. “We don’t have any of Cas’s blood, and we can’t get to him. That’s kind of the whole problem.” </p><p>Dean reached behind him and picked up his jacket, holding it up for Sam to see. “His blood is here, Sam.” Dean was on his feet in moments, rushing to the War room where the spell bowl lay. “Jack!” Dean called as he ran. “Get ready to meet a new celestial baddie. We’re summoning Freyja. Now!” The hope and anxiety radiated from Dean’s voice as he tipped the spell bowl and wiped it out. Pulling the knife from his pocket, Dean held the handprint over the bowl and began scraping flecks of the dried blood into the bowl. Once there was a small pile in the bottom, Dean seemed satisfied and placed Cas’ tie in the bowl. “Sam, Jack!”.</p><p>Jack rushed in, bringing the napkin and placing it in the bowl. Sam came shortly after panting slightly. “We had some old Jewels in the archive. I grabbed a few pieces of gold and a pair of amber earrings. Hopefully, it’s enough.” Sam dropped them unceremoniously into the bowl. </p><p>Dean lit his lighter and was about to ignite the spell when he hesitated. “What if it doesn’t work?” </p><p>“Then we will find another way, Dean. We always do.” Sam placed a hand on Dean’s shoulder as the lighter fell into the bowl. They all waited with bated breath. Nothing seemed to be happening. Then the bowl started to produce white smoke, which started snaking and curling around the room. It was shining slightly and smelled of sandalwood and honey. Dean looked over at Sam and Jack, each equally perplexed. The smoke formed a sigil in the air, composed of two perpendicular lines crossing in the center, a circle in the center, and semicircular arcs at the end of each of the four lines. It looked like a small circle with four forks sticking out. The sigil began to glow, brighter and brighter until there was a crack, and a sheet of white light came blasting out of a tear in the world. All three men had to shield their eyes and look away, and when they looked back, there she was. Dean was staring at Love herself, the goddess Freyja, and his only hope of reuniting with Cas.</p>
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